Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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