I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
