I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
