Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
