My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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