If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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