Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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