And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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