i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
