I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
