What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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