I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
