I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Operation Purity has been aborted
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
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