I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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