On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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