so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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