weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
