I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
