so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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