I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
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Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
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You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.