I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Randomize
