I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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