It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
