i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
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