Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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