People with herpes should wear stickers.
even my farts smell like vagina
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Randomize
