oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
