Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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