ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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