i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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