Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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