I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
