i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
