If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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