She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
