Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
