i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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