I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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