You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
