I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
