How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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