Having a random hookup so left but love u
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
