I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
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