NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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