know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
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