Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
