and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
