Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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