new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
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