shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
