Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
