This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
