yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
