If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Randomize
