The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
and i looked up. we had an audience...
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
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